SATURDAY 18TH MAY 2019

ARE YOU A TEENY TINY DOG IN CHINA? GO GET THOSE TEENY TINY FURRY FEET OF YOURS OVER TO ONE OF THE MANY LUXURY HOTELS AT YOUR DISPOSAL. PLAY CENTRES WITH BALL PITS AND OBSTACLE COURSES AND SWIMMING POOLS AND ACUPUNCTURE AND CINEMAS SHOWING FILMS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR YOUR TEENY TINY DOGGY EYES (NO, NO IDEA EITHER), ANYONE? - VIA DAN SCHREIBER ON THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF NO SUCH THING AS A FISH.

AND

ALL YOU FOUR-LEGGED FURRY FUCKERS OVER 35CM, NO HOTELS FOR YOU. IN FACT YOU’RE ILLEGAL. YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT - VIA (FOR THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW) ANNA PTASYNSKI ON (FOR THE SECOND TIME IN A ROW) THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF NO SUCH THING AS A FISH.

AND

IN DORSET THEY HAVE A LUXURY GUINEA PIG SPA HOTEL WHERE, FOR A BARGAINOUS £16 (BED, BOARD AND NIBBLES SOLD SEPARATELY), YOUR CAVY PAL CAN NAB THEMSELVES A PEDICURE, TWO HAIR WASHES, A HAIRCUT + TOWEL DRY, FOLLOWED BY A RELAXING MASSAGE IN FRONT OF A MOVIE. ALBEIT ONE NOT SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR GUINEA PIG EYESIGHT (WHICH, QUITE FRANKLY, I FIND SCANDALOUS GIVEN THE BAR THEY’VE SET FOR US IN CHINA: SORT IT OUT DORSET!) THEY’LL EVEN THROW IN A SNOOZE. I MEAN, IF THE MOVIE ISN’T FIT FOR PURPOSE THEN WHAT BETTER TIME FOR A NAP, EH? - VIA THE NO LONGER EGGSHAPED JAMES HARKIN ON THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF (YEP, YOU GUESSED IT) NO SUCH THING AS A FISH. PEOPLE, THE MAN SHITS YOU NOT.

AND

THE DAY AFTER THE GRUMPIEST DAY, TARDA SAUCE: TODAY’S (NOT SPONSORED BY NO SUCH THING AS A FISH, I PROMISE) #LIFELESSONS IS FOR YOU… #TWEETAGRUMPYFACEFORGRUMPY